21 Behaviours That F*ck Relationships

• 43% of first marriages end in divorce, compared to only 12% in the 1960s.
• The statistic rises to 60% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages.
• A declining population of people are getting married, leading to the lowest marriage rate in history.
• Emotional disconnection and attachment styles can significantly impact relationships.
• Understanding and addressing emotional needs is crucial for relationship stability.
• Partner accountability and effective communication are essential for healing and growth.

43% of first marriages end in divorce, compare that to only 12% in the 1960s. Now you might be thinking they were young and dumb and got older and wiser—but nope, that statistic increases to 60% for second marriages and for those of you that are thinking third time's a charm, allow me to disappoint you again with a 73% chance that third go-around will also end in divorce. That's even from a declining population of people who are getting married—it's the lowest rate ever in history.

Look at this sorry little graph; that's a 48% decrease. That being said, let's get into it. These are 21 behaviors that could possibly ruin your relationship.

The first point is believing that your feelings are a burden to somebody else. Ignoring your emotional needs will lead to a disconnect. Think of a relationship kind of like a dance: one partner steps, the other one steps back. But if you're stepping on somebody else's toes, it throws everybody off rhythm. This type of behavior is really strong in somebody who has an avoidant attachment style.

If you believe your feelings are a burden, you'll create a fourth wall and call that independence. This stems from the anxiety that your feelings are negative for other people to experience. Displacing them onto others isn't a form of love. Likely, you learned this at a young age, especially if your parents weren't capable of navigating your negative emotional states but only praised you when you were happy.

This drives you to build an emotional vault of all the negative emotions you don't want to feel; so you lock them up inside to keep yourself safe. Every human has a core belief that if you could see all of me, you wouldn't stay. We all have this fear, and it's important to understand that these aren't conscious decisions we make. You may want to open up, but the moment the opportunity presents itself to you, the thought is "I should just say something," and internally you white-knuckle yourself to keep that emotion bottled down.

You tell yourself that it’s too much, it’s not important, or that somehow you're overreacting. What this looks like is creating space, shutting down in difficult conversations, avoiding intimacy, getting anxious when relationships start to move to the next level, and holding on to dear life of routines—your work schedule and personal space—so that you can protect yourself from getting into something that you fear will take away from your hyper-independent state.

But the problem with this is that over time this will cause the relationship to fall apart. Addressing and validating the other person's emotional needs is the glue that holds the relationship together over time. I want you to think about it this way: if someone you loved came to you and said, "I'm really uncomfortable," "I'm feeling insecure," or "I'm really anxious about this thing," you wouldn't see that as a burden, right?

So why do you believe your feelings are bad? And if you do see emotions or others' expressions of emotions as bad and that they should handle it on their own, just understand that you're projecting your internal narrative onto someone else. This also prevents the avoidant person from experiencing what they long for the most, which is a deep and intimate emotional connection with somebody. But, they have a deeply rooted fear of intimacy, so they never allow themselves to get to this point and run at the sign that this could actually become serious, emotionally disconnecting themselves as a form of self-preservation.

If you are like this or you’re with somebody like this, you really need to take a moment to consider where this relationship is going.

This leads me to point number two: you have a desire to control everything. Imagine taking a road trip with somebody who never stops when you need to take a body break, and you as a passenger literally have no idea where you're even going or if you’re going to make it there safely.

The need for control often stems from anxiety and a desire for certainty. People like this don't trust anybody, and at the root, it’s because they don’t trust themselves. They aim to exercise control to predict what's going to happen next so that they can show up the way they need to. It’s the belief that if you want it done right, you do it yourself. This manifests in dominating decisions, dismissing your partner's opinions, and refusing to compromise. Over time this creates resentment and can eventually turn the relationship dynamic toxic.

Dismantling the entire thing, flexibility and compromise are key elements to any relationship that lasts more than five minutes. If you’re someone who's more dismissive-avoidant, this will be a power dominance mechanism that you use to leverage some sort of safety and certainty, thinking your partner can’t leave you by increasing the power dynamic.

Your desire for safety and security will run this relationship right off a cliff. You have to be willing to collaborate and communicate while respecting your partner's differing views and being open to being wrong. Because if you're only focused on being right all the time, you're not really focusing on how to find a solution.

This brings us to number three: the belief that your career comes first. Prioritizing your work over your relationship, over a long enough time horizon, will create a web of distance.

Think of your relationship like a garden; if you neglect to water it and tend to it, those plants will die. You might feel that your career and financial contributions to your family are what drives your value, and if you've been validated over time for your accomplishments, it’s natural to think that’s where your worth comes from.

Letting go of that perception puts you in a vulnerable space, not knowing what your partner wants from you. This can lead to long hours at work, missing important events, and missing your partner's cues and subtle passes at you because you're exhausted from all the hours you’re putting in.

Over time, this will leave you emotionally unavailable despite an internal need for connection and love. You’ll create a dynamic where you sit across the table from your partner at the end of the day, not even recognizing who is looking back at you.

Balance is essential. Both your career and your relationship can receive attention to flourish. If you carry the belief that your value comes from your success, ask yourself: would you put all your money in one stock? Probably not! If that stock crashes, everything goes down. The bigger plot twist is that the value you bring is simply you being you.

Now onto number four: you're one of those people who just focuses on achieving milestones in the relationship. If you prioritize milestones over the genuine connection of the relationship, you're moving in the wrong direction.

Imagine a checklist of a perfect life: dating, engagement, marriage, and having kids. If you're only focused on checking off the boxes, you'll miss the actual depth of connection you could have with your partner. This behavior tends to stem from societal pressure—this notion of reaching certain life stages within specific time frames, or reinforcing the idea that something is wrong with you if you don't.

Rushing down this path can lead you into commitments you don't truly want, simply because "I'm 30, I'm single, and I'm supposed to get married, have babies, buy a house." You need to select a life pattern with conviction and certainty over the commitment and promise you’re making, which could alleviate many of the divorces we see today.

This brings me to the next point: instead of lying to yourself, white lies are also not acceptable. Dishonesty breaks trust and creates distance. Going back to the foundational idea, imagine building a foundation out of sand—without any solid ground, everything will come crashing down.

While white lies might seem harmless in the short term, over time they build resentment and break trust. This behavior often stems from a fear of conflict and a desire to maintain peace. If you feel anxious about having an adversarial conflict with your partner, you might tell a white lie to escape an argument that could lead to further conflict, especially if you have abandonment issues.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is believing that they have the right to protect their partner from the truth. You aren’t protecting them; you are prolonging the price you might have to pay for an action or something you've done that they have the right to know about. The problem with this thinking is that you believe you can assert your will, but in a moment of telling a white lie, you are really looking out for yourself.

This leads to patterns of dishonesty in your relationship, but I can promise you it will all eventually come out, and your partner will feel misled and betrayed, breaking the trust you have together.

This perfectly moves me into the next point: the idea that you can't rebuild trust. Believing that trust cannot be rebuilt is often what prevents healing in any relationship. Imagine a shattered vase; even if you try to glue it back together, the cracks will always be visible.

If someone believes that once trust is broken, it can never be rebuilt, they will become distant, resentful, and prevent the relationship from ever healing. You might jump onto this thought immediately due to an anxious fear of abandonment, believing once a cheater, always a cheater.

What you neglect to see is that you yourself have changed over time. Over the last year, you probably aren’t the same person you once were, and if you expect perfection from someone else, it might be time to look in the mirror and ask yourself: have you always been perfect?

This doesn’t mean there aren’t certain boundaries you should have in a relationship that honor your values. Understanding those things before entering a relationship and communicating them early is really important for everyone.

Moving on, you have trouble resolving issues. Poor conflict resolution leads to ongoing problems. Imagine a fire starts, and there's a small flame left that’s not extinguished—eventually, it will turn into a raging blaze.

Everybody wants to avoid the elephant in the room, where a small disagreement turns into a massive fight because they don’t have the conflict-resolution skills in place. Couples will often dance around needing to have crucial conversations, thinking that if they don’t talk about it, it will eventually go away, but that leads to unresolved problems that stack up.

Avoiding the short-term uncomfortable and hard conversation builds resentment and mistrust over time. Understanding how to engage in difficult conversations while respecting the other person is foundational to healthy communication.

Also, avoid walking in guns blazing with assumptions about why someone did something. Instead, lead with curiosity or own your feelings without making it about the other person.

Research indicates that effective conflict resolution skills are linked to higher relationship satisfaction and stability. Couples that navigate challenges together are better equipped to handle life’s difficulties that will inevitably arise.

Now, let’s get a little uncomfortable here with number eight: you believe you can change people. Trying to change your partner causes tension—like trying to control sand by holding it tighter; it slips through your fingers.

Often, people displace the discomfort of making changes themselves onto their partner. This leads to the story that if my partner could just do things my way, everything would be easier, removing the responsibility that person has to adjust.

People need freedom and autonomy in relationships. Ultimately, people will change when they choose to—not because you want them to. Love isn't always enough; sometimes, you have to recognize that you cannot change those who don’t want to change.

You can only look at it objectively and either accept them for who they are or say, "I love you, but I can’t do this." This recognition may hurt but can save years of unfulfilling experiences.

Next point: believing your partner is responsible for your actions. Displacing your responsibility for how you react to something builds resentment. You’ll see people say, "You made me do it," or, "If you hadn’t acted this way, I wouldn't have..."

This behavior stems from a lack of accountability, justified by believing they were provoked. This is known as blame shifting, common in toxic relationships. Recognize you’re always responsible for how you react; owning your feelings can prevent patterns of resentment.

Believing that relationships should be easy sets unrealistic expectations. Life will throw challenges your way; expecting smooth sailing the moment you find the right partner sets you up for disappointment.

Relationships require work, effort, and compromise. If you stay within your bubble of expectations, you will inevitably be disappointed by your partner not living up to those ideals.

Lack of self-awareness amplifies blind spots in behavior and fuels adversarial interactions with your partner. Without understanding yourself, impulsiveness rules, leading to misunderstandings.

To grow in a relationship, you must take the time to understand where your reactions stem from and communicate them effectively. Studies show that self-awareness contributes to long-term relationship stability and quality.

Living together before marriage may not set up long-term success. Not discussing the expectations of cohabitation can create miscommunication. Many believe moving in together will solve issues, but often couples that cohabitate prior to marriage have poor outcomes.

Make sure you’re on the same page about what cohabitation means to you both. Expecting your partner to fulfill every role—partner, best friend, therapist—is unrealistic. This pressure can lead to disappointment and resentment. One person can't be everything for another, and trying to force those expectations leads to burnout.

Ignoring past issues leads to recurring problems. People often unconsciously reproduce familiar patterns, despite professing they don't want to go through that again. If you neglect past experiences, it will resurface, causing dysfunctional dynamics.

One partner must take responsibility for addressing past issues instead of pretending they don’t matter. Otherwise, those unresolved conflicts will arise, pulling you both away from each other rather than pushing you closer.

Lack of shared goals creates confusion and frustration. Couples not aligned with their future vision will create conflict. Clear communication about your values from the beginning is essential.

Neglecting self-care puts a strain on relationships. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you fail to take care of your needs, you’ll become burnout and resentment will grow.

As well, a lack of intimacy creates distance. Intimacy is crucial for a long-term relationship, and without regular connection, you risk feeling lonely within it. Emotional intimacy should be prioritized.

Insecurities and jealousy erode trust and intimacy. It creates tension and distance, leading to projections and passive-aggressive behavior. This can create controlling tendencies, which amplify relationship issues.

Lastly, be aware of unrealistic expectations. When one partner expects the other to read their mind or to meet unrealistic ideals, disappointment inevitably follows. High expectations always lead to disappointment if the outcome doesn’t match.

Infidelity breaks trust. Unmet needs often lead friends or partners to seek elsewhere for fulfillment. All of these insights underline the importance of communication and connection in relationships.

Finally, unbalanced power dynamics create resentment and conflict. If one partner controls the financial decisions or makes all the choices, that creates conflict, insecurity, and feelings of powerlessness.

A healthy relationship requires equal contributions and respect from both partners. Without equality, the relationship cannot flourish and will risk becoming toxic.

These are the 21 behaviors that can totally ruin relationships.