10 Ways Narcissistic Abuse Changes You

• By design, these relationships detach you from your sense of self.
• You end up taking on blame and shame for all these changes.
• Recognizing narcissism is crucial to reclaiming your identity.
• Isolation and trust issues can spur from relationships with narcissists.
• It’s important to rebuild your self-worth and set boundaries.

By design, these relationships detach you from your sense of self.
And it happens so gradually that you barely even notice.
The worst of it is that we end up taking on blame and shame for all these changes.
And in this video, I hope to change that for you because none of this is your fault.

So first let's talk about that ever-important loss of self-identity.
And I say this all the time, but I really believe that this is one of the worst things that a person can do to another human being:
detach them from their sense of self, from the sense of who they are.
This happens gradually, but it happens in every relationship with a narcissist.
The only exceptions are when people see the narcissist for who they are and get out of the relationship before things progress too far.

And that's why I put out so many videos about recognizing narcissism.
Because when you know what to look for, it's a whole lot easier to spot early on.
And trust me, I know firsthand the dangers of losing yourself in a relationship.

So how exactly do you lose touch with yourself?
Well, there are a lot of ways, and you're going to notice as we go through this list that many of the things we touch on also contribute to losing touch with your sense of self.
But right now I want to point out how you stop losing interest in things that used to be really important to you.

This can easily happen as you start seeing more and more contempt from the narcissist.
Basically, just for you being you.
So there you are, just being yourself and doing the things that you naturally love to do.
And you can tell that it really irritates the other person.
Maybe they even go so far as to tell you that it irritates them, or maybe they'll make fun of it.

They might make you feel guilty for spending time on things that purely make you happy.
But if you think about it, what is this life for if not to have a little bit of enjoyment?
Yes, relationships are important. We do have responsibilities.
But if you're not doing anything to make yourself happy, to feed your own soul, then what are we doing here?

So whenever you notice that someone is putting down your interests, they're trying to extinguish your flame.
That is a major red flag and not someone you need close to you.

Now let's look at some great advice on this topic from the comment section.
The best thing to do is keep yourself occupied with hobbies or people or something you love.
Your focus on that over time will make you realize there is a lot more to life than giving them energy.
This is great advice for anyone, but it's especially helpful for people who are still in such relationships because it can put a wedge between the narcissist and your sense of self.
The more you connect with that sense of self, the less likely you are to lose it.
So it's incredibly crucial to keep up those things that make you you.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Christina, and I'm a narcissistic abuse recovery coach.
This channel is dedicated to helping you recognize and overcome the effects of emotional abuse.
If these topics have touched your life, consider subscribing because there's a whole lot more helpful content for you right here.

The next thing we're going to talk about here is, again, super important, and that is a diminished sense of self-worth.
So how you feel about yourself, your opinion of yourself, really takes a nosedive when you're in these relationships.
As much as you want to protect yourself and shield yourself from that external criticism that's coming your way or the daggers that someone might shoot your way, these things can tend to get to you over time, especially if this is the one person you're spending the most time with.

We really have to be careful here because so often most of us have the tendency to say, “everything's fine. I see this person for who they are and I don't let them bother me.”
But be very careful about brushing things off too quickly.
Take a good look at how you're feeling in this relationship and how you're feeling about yourself as a result.
Please be brutally honest with yourself.

Self-worth is something we take responsibility for.
It might not feel natural to blame someone else for your opinion of yourself.
But this here, what I'm talking about now, it's not about blame, it's about evaluation.
When you're around people who are making you feel bad, yes, you can take responsibility for that.
And the responsibility you can take is separating yourself from these people who make you feel bad.

Because when you start seeing yourself through the lens that the narcissist sees you through, that's when the real damage begins.
Now let's look at a comment that highlights this point really well.
“I thought I'd found the love of my life, but having watched videos like this since he abandoned me after my dad died, I realized that I had to work on things like self-worth, which I'd always lacked.
Boundaries? Never really had any.
Oh, all sorts. But now I realize my value.
I know I am the prize, not the man I'm with.
And I bet he knows it.”

I love this comment because it encapsulates that comeback moment.
If you haven't had it yet, I assure you, you will.
This is the moment where you realize that you are worth so much more than this.
Depending on where you're at right now, it may be a bit of a journey to get to the point where you feel that confidence and actually believe that you are the one who's important here, not the other person.
But you will get there, I promise you.
If you haven't had it already, your comeback moment is on the horizon.

Next, I'm going to cover what is a really big topic but will try to break it down simply and cover the basics.
What we want to talk about now is emotional detachment.
In relationships with narcissists, it's common to lose touch with not just who you are, but with what you're feeling.
And there are many ways this can happen, which have a lot to do with the trauma bond.

When you're in a relationship with a narcissist and enduring the worst of it, they're in your face, maybe screaming, or maybe it’s the silent treatment, and it just has an intense effect on you.
There's a defense mechanism that some people have that allows them to emotionally detach so that you're not feeling the full brunt of the abuse.
But then something similar happens in the good moments.

Because when things are good, you choose to focus only on the good.
There's this strong sense of relief as those feel-good chemicals rush in when you finally feel like things are okay.
And even in those good moments, you can probably remember thinking that this probably isn't going to last, but you're going to enjoy it while it's good.
That can keep you stuck in the trauma bond.

When things are truly bad, it’s possible that there may be some emotional detachment happening.
And when things are good, it feels like everything is right, with a strong pull to focus only on the good.
So we're not always seeing things for exactly what they are.
But really understanding how this works can help you overcome it.
Once you can start to train yourself to see the whole person and the whole relationship for what it is, the hold that that trauma bond has on you weakens little by little.

Now, let’s talk about isolation.
And it’s probably not what you think.
Yes, a narcissist can isolate you from friends and family— that's definitely a component of it.
But this video is about how narcissistic abuse changes you.

What we’re discussing now is how you might choose to isolate for various reasons as a result of a relationship with a narcissist.
You may choose to isolate because you feel like something's wrong with you.
After years of gaslighting and abuse, it’s only natural to start taking that stuff personally.
So you might think that your presence would have a negative effect on those around you, or that others might see you and treat you the same way the narcissist does.

You might fear that just by being yourself, you will be ridiculed and ostracized.
You may also have trouble trusting people, and we'll cover that more in a bit.
If you do have trouble trusting people, you might isolate yourself because you're afraid of getting hurt and trying to protect yourself.
While that's understandable, it's not healthy for you in the long term.

Now let's look at a comment from someone who experienced this firsthand:
“I isolated myself from friends and family because I felt like there was something wrong with me for hiding her toxic behavior from everybody.”

So, yes, now let’s get to those trust issues.
Trust issues are incredibly common; it's almost a given after a relationship with a narcissist.
You end up feeling so duped, like you fell for a bait and switch.
This is something I’ve experienced firsthand, and I hear it all the time from my coaching clients.

We all think we're reasonably intelligent and that we wouldn't fall for something like this.
But the problem is that there is a real lack of education about narcissism until you get into it and start falling down that rabbit hole.
But that feeling you get on the other side, and the part that's really dangerous is that you end up feeling like you can't really trust yourself — your judgment.

If you fell into something like this, if you believed the lies and manipulation, it does become very difficult to trust yourself again.
This is where connection really makes a difference.
When you start learning about narcissism and hearing other people's stories, you understand that it’s not your fault.

Because truly, if you had all that information in your hands before you met this person, you would have seen the red flags and walked away.
At the very least, you probably would have proceeded with caution.
So on the other side, trust issues are understandable.
You shouldn't trust the person who was manipulative to you or who lied to your face.

But you should work on trusting yourself again because you are worthy of trust, especially in trusting yourself.
You're not exactly the same person that you were before.
So start looking for examples in your everyday life of reasons that you should be able to trust yourself, and you will find them.

Here's a comment from someone who has been through this, and it really highlights what it feels like to be on the other side:
“If only I had found you sooner and learned all this after I was discarded by who I thought was the love of my life, I could have saved myself 21 years of isolation, devastating loneliness, and depression.
He broke my heart, spirit, faith in relationships, and trust in men. Thank you so, so much.”

After this comment, I need to do a little preemptive strike.
I guarantee you, if I do not, and maybe even if I do, I will get comments about how women can be narcissists, too. Yes, that is true, but it does not take away from the experiences that many women have had with male narcissists.
On this channel, I try to keep it neutral, which means sharing both experiences.

Now, I want to talk about one way that narcissists change you, and it is incredibly common.
It's essentially just a byproduct of abuse— and that is heightened anxiety.
When you have to walk around on eggshells all the time just to keep the peace, you're going to have some level of anxiety, especially when you have to think about what you say, because it might make someone else explode.

Remember one thing that is always consistent in a relationship with a narcissist: intermittent reinforcement.
When we talk about intermittent reinforcement, the reinforcement part is the good part.
But then there’s the bad.
We can think of this like the “Jekyll and Hyde” personality.

When it’s good, it might be really good or just okay.
But when it’s bad, it's unpredictable, and it can really attack your sense of emotional safety, especially when you feel like you’re walking a tightrope between the two.

Now, let's look at a comment from someone who really understands this:
“Well, I’m in a relationship. It’s been three and a half years, but from the last year, I’m struggling with it all.
She changed her personality suddenly, and I lost all my mental health.
Even though I still love her so much, it hurts me. I get panic attacks when I get silent treatment for small things.”

As I was going through the comments, the term “panic attack” came up quite a bit.
So, I want to share another comment from one of you who has experienced this:
“I was triggered into panic attacks by his treatment and cheating.
I went to the hospital twice by myself.
Once they said it was panic, and he knew it was him.
He stopped caring for me, would sit in the other room happily playing with our child.
I told him all I wanted was for him to sit with me. He said, ‘This is your problem.’”

That comment is a little painful to read because it highlights that lack of empathy.
You would think or hope that someone who cares about you would be there for you in your moment of need.
But even more than that, if you tell them directly that you need them in that moment and they shut you out for no reason, it’s something difficult to understand unless you've been in a relationship like this.

Okay, so now we’re going to talk about the hyper-vigilance that comes from being in a relationship with a narcissist.
You’re constantly on guard.
This is very much related to the anxiety we just discussed.
Not only are you watching what you say, but you might do things to ensure that this narcissistic partner or parent is in a good mood.
You might change your behavior just to avoid making them upset.

There is no making a narcissist happy, but you might become a version of what could keep them from having emotional outbursts or shutting down.
Now let's look at a comment that illustrates what it feels like to be in this place:
“Even when there were weeks and months of good times, I just knew the other shoe was going to drop, and it always did.”
It's unfortunate because this person really seemed like the perfect fit.

The last part of that comment is relatable to many of you because you can sense that if only, right?
“If only they would stop lying, if only they wouldn't cheat, if only they would just stop devaluing and discarding, then you would live happily ever after.”
If only they would stop being a narcissist, you’d be okay.

And this is a common sentiment because there are things that brought you into this relationship with this specific person.
It’s not all bad.
Reminding yourself of the good can be crucial if you're struggling with self-trust.
We often beat ourselves up thinking the lies and manipulation should have been obvious when, in fact, there were good times and moments of connection that can distort your perception of the entire relationship.
That's when you end up thinking, if only they would just stop being a narcissist, everything would be great.

The next thing we're going to talk about is what happens as a result of all that anxiety and hyper-vigilance: we become people pleasers.
You can be a people pleaser at various levels.
Some people have extreme people-pleasing tendencies, while others may just respond this way during conflict.
If you sense that someone's going to get upset, you may completely fawn and let them have their way.

Either way, it’s almost like a catch-22, because this behavior exists because of narcissism.
Narcissists will fully take advantage of that.
It’s interesting how it works, right? It’s almost like they're training you to become the type of person that’s convenient for them.

Here’s an insightful comment from one of you on people pleasing:
“People pleasers set themselves up to be hurt.
Because narcissists learn that they can hurt people pleasers simply by not being pleased.”
This highlights why it’s so dangerous for people pleasers to enter relationships with narcissists.

Narcissists are never happy, and if all you need is to be able to make someone else happy, you’re entering into a contract you can never fulfill.
Another way that narcissists change you is that you kind of become trained to set your boundaries aside.
You may feel guilty for having boundaries, like you’re somehow attacking someone else.

This is a big problem when you're exposed to narcissistic people as a child because that’s when you should learn to set healthy boundaries.
But the good news is: at any time, at any age, it’s never too late. You can learn to set healthy boundaries.
And the ability to do this will naturally repel abusive people.

Here’s a comment that you might relate to:
“I was starting to think I was the problem all the time because every day I was trying to set boundaries and came off as naggy.”
When you try to set boundaries with a narcissist, the response is never positive.
They might call you a nag, attack you, or play the victim.
There are countless ways narcissists react to boundaries, and none of them are good.

The next way that a narcissist changes you relates to the gaslighting you endure in these relationships.
This change involves doubting yourself more often.
This is similar to trusting yourself, but we’ll dig a bit deeper.

It's not just about trusting your ability to choose a partner or friend, but also about trusting your ability to make decisions or do anything.
When you're in relationships with narcissists, they constantly criticize you, telling you that you should have done things differently, or they play devil's advocate.
Every time you make a decision, they plant a little seed of doubt— that maybe you should have gone in the opposite direction.

Even if you do something they might be proud of, they find a reason to pick it apart.
Their voice becomes the voice in your head.
Your inner critic takes on their voice and continues to throw it back at you long after the narcissist is out of your life.

Much of the work I do through coaching involves reprogramming that inner voice, helping you trust yourself again, stop the constant self-doubt and self-criticism, and ultimately get back to yourself.

In a nutshell, these relationships cause us to separate from who we truly are.
This is one of the most damaging things that anyone can do to another person.
One of the reasons we feel stupid and angry and end up blaming ourselves is that it feels like a form of self-betrayal.
If that resonates with you, you're definitely going to want to watch the video that pops up on the screen now.

Before you go, if you found this video helpful, be sure to hit that like button on your way out, and I'll see you next time.